


I didn't wanna be so invested

by holtzbabe



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Established Relationship, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-11-22
Packaged: 2018-08-08 09:45:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 8,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7752724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holtzbabe/pseuds/holtzbabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erin and Holtzmann seem to have forgotten why they started dating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm dipping my toes in the pool of angst, guys.

The tension in the firehouse is stifling. On the second floor, the lab reverberates with clanging and crashing as Holtzmann channels her anger into her work. It's especially noticeable with the relative silence of the rest of the lab--music is for happy days.

Downstairs, Erin sits at her desk, a scowl on her face. Every time a noise echoes down the stairs, she lets out a loud, exaggerated huff. She scratches equations onto her notebook with so much force that it's no wonder she's already snapped two pencils.

Two hours into the day, Abby shoots a pleading glance at Patty. Patty replies with a wide-eyed exasperated shake of her head. Abby tilts her chin up and then cocks her head to the side, and Patty nods. They rise from their seats, and Abby bounds up the stairs while Patty sidles up to Erin's desk.

"Erin, baby, what the hell happened?"

Erin ignores her. Her scribbling becomes more frantic. Patty snatches the pencil from her hand and hucks it across the room.

"Patty!"

"You can get it back when you tell me what happened. Did you and Holtzy break up?"

A deep, horrible pain cuts through Erin's chest at the words. Her face screws up for a second, then drops back into the angry mask she's been sporting for the past week. It's easier than facing the pain.

Upstairs, Abby watches across the lab as Holtzmann literally throws a handful of metal down at her worktable with a loud clang.

Abby winces. "Holtzmann? You wanna stop damaging equipment and come talk to me?"

"Talk about what?" Holtz grabs a blowtorch and turns it on. She stalks around her table, eyeing the scraps of metal. She has an angry glint in her eye that usually means she's restless and in a destructive mood.

Abby rushes over and grabs the blowtorch before Holtz can impulsively light something on fire just to watch it burn. She shuts off the flame and gives Holtzmann a look. "Talk about what happened with you and Erin. Did you have a fight?"

Holtzmann slumps down into her chair and makes an angry noise of confirmation.

"Did you break up?" Abby prods.

Holtz' head jerks up and she glares at Abby through her thickest pair of goggles. She's been wearing them all week so nobody can see how red her eyes have been from crying.

"Why don't you ask Erin?" she snaps, venom in her voice.

Downstairs, Patty is still waiting for the answer to the same question. Erin stares down at her notebook, her brow knitted together and her heart heavy.

"Yeah. I think we did."

Patty considers that. "Why?"

"We had a fight," Erin says through clenched teeth.

"That's it? You had one fight and now you're calling it quits?" Now Patty sounds angry too.

"It was a bad fight," Erin mutters.

"So? Talk it through and make up. You can't just give up on a relationship because of one fight. Come on."

Erin shakes her head. "You don't know what you're talking about, Patty. It's not just--it's a lot of things, okay? It's not that simple."

"Oh, I know plenty. It is exactly that simple. You guys may be the strangest couple I've ever met, but you're a damn good one. None of us thought you two would get your crap together and realize how much you liked each other, and now that you ARE together, you're about to throw it all away? That's bullshit."

Erin is quiet for a second, then she meets Patty's furious stare.

"Have you considered," Erin says finally, her voice surprisingly steady for how many emotions are running through her, "that maybe we were never meant to date? Maybe we just made a colossal mistake and now we've ruined a great friendship?"

Patty rolls her eyes. "I refuse to believe that."


	2. Chapter 2

_Six months earlier_

"Patty?"

"Mmm?"

"Do you...no, never mind." Erin's face flushed as she went back to her work.

Patty looked up from the book she was reading. "What is it?"

Erin shook her head and bit her lip. "Nothing."

"That's the third time this week you've started to ask something and changed your mind. Spit it out."

"It's nothing. It's--" Erin took a deep breath-- "Do you think...do you think that Holtzmann..."

"Has a crush on you?" Patty finished for her.

Erin blushed even harder. "No, that's not...I wasn't going to ask that!" she spluttered, even though that's exactly what she was going to ask.

Patty gave her a knowing look. "Sure, baby. If you were asking, I'd tell you that the answer is obviously yes. But you weren't asking, so I won't tell you that."

"Oh," said Erin in a very small voice.

"And you didn't ask me about whether or not you would make a good couple," Patty continued, "so I won't tell you that I think you'd be great together...if either of you got your head out of your ass and realized what was happening in front of you."

"Good thing I didn't ask," Erin mumbled.

Later, after Erin went home for the night, she sat in bed and opened her laptop.

_'Is it a bad idea to date a coworker?_ '

She chewed on her lip as her browser loaded the results of her search. The first result was '4 things you need to know before dating a coworker.' Erin clicked on it and scrolled down to the first tip.

1\. Avoid getting involved with the wrong person.

How was she supposed to know if Holtzmann was the wrong person? What did that mean? A little bit of reading revealed that superiors and married coworkers were the 'wrong person,' so Holtz was in the clear there.

2\. Know your company's policy.

Erin snorted. Their company had very few policies on anything. Really, it was more a question of whether or not Abby and Patty would be okay with it. It seemed like Patty was okay with the idea. Abby was a bit of a wild card.

3\. Remember that during work hours, work comes first.

That one was almost laughable. They spent half of their 'work hours' goofing off, especially Holtzmann. It was a surprise they got any work done at all. In fact, maybe if Erin started dating Holtz, the engineer would stop wasting so much time flirting and spend more time working. Maybe.

4\. Consider the worst-case scenario.

What was the worst case scenario? The answer came to Erin instantly. Losing Holtz. Was she willing to risk their friendship for this? What if they didn't work out? Could they go back to being friends? Erin had very few friends, and she treasured her friendships with all of the Ghostbusters. And Holtz--well, she had said it herself. They were the first friends she had ever had, and they were her family.

Was it worth messing that up?


	3. Chapter 3

Abby and Patty reconvene downstairs after two failed conversations. Holtz continues to bang around upstairs, and Erin resumes her frantic work once she retrieves her pencil from the other side of the room where Patty threw it.

"Any luck?" Abby says under her breath.

Patty sighs. "Apparently they had a fight and now they're broken up. I think there's more to it than that, but she wouldn't tell me any more. Did you get anything outta Holtzy?"

"She just made a bunch of noise and ignored me," Abby says. She pinches the bridge of her nose under her glasses and squeezes her eyes shut. "This is so dumb. They're acting like toddlers."

"Should we call a family meeting?"

"If it lasts much longer, yeah. This has already been way too long of a week."

The week gets longer. The next day, the tension has only increased, much to the dismay of the other Ghostbusters. Even Kevin, bless his oblivious heart, has picked up on it.

"That's it." Abby throws her work down onto her desk. "HOLTZMANN, COME DOWNSTAIRS. NOW."

"I'M BUSY," Holtz hollers back.

"I DON'T GIVE A FLYING SHIT. WE'RE HAVING A TEAM MEETING AND WE'RE HAVING IT NOW."

Erin twists around at her desk to glare at Abby. "Keep it down. I'm working."

"Nuh uh," Patty says, "this meeting includes you."

A few minutes later they're all crowded around the table they usually eat lunch at. Holtzmann slouches back in her chair with a glare and her arms crossed tightly across her chest. Erin sits ramrod straight in her chair, a pinched look on her face like she's sitting on a cactus.

"This is fucking ridiculous," Abby says. "You're turning this firehouse into a hostile work environment."

"Y'all are acting like children," Patty agrees. "Stop throwing tantrums. Either kiss and make up, or grow up and be mature adults about this. We all have to work together. If this is the end of the road for you two, then that's a shame, but whatever. You still need to get over it and pretend to be nice to each other for the sake of this practice."

"And for our collective sanity," Abby adds.

"I'll apologize when she does," Holtzmann says, knowing damn well that she sounds like a five year old.

"I don't know about _her_ ," __Erin says with an icy artificial sweetness, "but I'm willing to be an adult. I take this business very seriously."

"Are you implying I don't?" Holtz replies, equally as icy.

Patty throws her hands up in the air. "Enough! Both of you better be on your best behaviour from now on. I don't care if it's fake or not. I just don't want to listen to this passive aggressive bullshit."

"If it's not better by tomorrow, both of you will be fired," Abby says.

Holtzmann rolls her eyes. "Ooh. Scary threat, Abs. I'll keep that in mind when I return upstairs to work on the weapons that you wouldn't have without me."

Erin sighs. "Are we done here? I have work to do."

Abby and Patty exchange a look. "First," Abby says, "you guys have to hug each other. Prove that you're willing to cooperate with us."

That earns them intense glares from both women. But they stand from their seats and awkwardly embrace each other in the way that two distant family members who have never met might.

The hug only lasts half a second, but it's enough time for Erin to get a whiff of Holtzmann, the scent of oil and fire and grapefruit shampoo, and it hits her like a punch in the gut. A lump forms in her throat as she pulls away.

Holtzmann tries to keep her face blank as the hug ends. She turns on her heel away from Erin without saying anything and strides up the stairs. It's only when she gets to the safety of her lab that she lets the tears fall, and they fog up her goggles. She pulls them off hastily and swipes at her face with the sleeve of her jacket.

Why is this so fucking hard?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting is a little sporadic because I'm on vacation and writing this on my phone. Also, I know these chapters are a little heartbreaking. The next chapter is going to be a cute and fluffy flashback! I promise this story will have a happy ending :)


	4. Chapter 4

_Five months earlier_

"Errrrin! Can you come up here for a sec?"

Erin looked up from her work at the sound of Holtzmann's voice. She shut her laptop and climbed the stairs to the lab, a little scared of what to expect. When she got there, Holtz was bent over something large and metal on her worktable.

"Hey," she said, shooting a grin at Erin, "can you come hold this for me? I have something important to do, but if I let go of this it might explode."

Erin's face blanched. She rushed over to the workbench. "That sounds dangerous."

"Extremely. So what you're gonna wanna do is hold down this metal tab here, like that, yes, and then with your other hand keep these two wires connected and hold that flat section steady. You have bigger hands than me and I'm able to do it, so you should have no problem."

Erin tried to listen to all of this, but she was a little distracted by the feeling of Holtz' fingers guiding hers into place and by how close they were standing. All Erin could smell was Holtz--metal and smoke and her citrusy shampoo. Then the scent disappeared as Holtz left her with the machinery and flitted across the lab.

"What is this thing, anyway?" Erin stared down warily at the humming mess of metal and wire.

"I'm not sure yet," Holtz replied from over in the corner.

Suddenly, the loud bouncing beat of an unfamiliar pop song filled the room, causing Erin's thumb to jump off the metal tab. She quickly threw it back down. Nothing appeared to be exploding so far, but it could be a delayed reaction, she supposed.

"H--" Erin began, then cut herself off when she looked up and and saw Holtz dancing in time with the music. Her throat went a little dry at the sight, and she watched, captivated, as the engineer strutted and twirled across the room. At the first words, she spun to face Erin and held her gaze as she began lip syncing into a metal pipe.

_I can't deny I'm begging for attention. Dropping hints, hoping for some tension._

Erin watched with wide eyes as Holtz punctuated the lines with some well-timed thrusts. Her eyes were still trained on Erin's. Unblinking. Her sexiest smile playing on her lips.

_Gettin' tired of making all this racket_.

Holtz gestured wildly at the lab around her and did a smooth sliding move across the floor closer to Erin.

_Waiting on you to get your ass in gear._

Holtz winked. Erin's face turned bright red. By now, Holtz was a few feet away, and advancing. She rounded the worktable.

"I don't recognize this one," Erin said, her voice barely loud enough to be heard over the music. "What decade is it from?"

"Now. 2016." Holtz smirked.

"Oh."

Holtz was a foot away now. She still hadn't broken eye contact. "It's Tegan and Sara. I'm disappointed that you haven't heard of them."

Something about the look on her face gave Erin the feeling that there was a joke she was missing. "I don't listen to pop music," she muttered.

The song was on the chorus by now but Holtz had stopped lip syncing. She tossed her pipe-microphone down to the worktable.

_Tonight, you're fuel for my fire. You_ _can't stop desire._

Erin was so entranced by what was happening that she had stopped holding down everything in the machine below her. She realized this suddenly, and looked down with a horrified look on her face. "Crap! Holtz! I let it go, oh my gosh!"

She looked back up to see Holtz grinning widely. "I may have exaggerated the danger of the situation. I really just needed an excuse for you to come up here. You never come up anymore if I don't have a reason for you to."

Erin's face flushed a deeper red. There was a reason for that. She had been avidly avoiding the lab (and Holtzmann) for the past month, ever since her chat with Patty.

"Why did you need me up here?"

Holtz spun in spot, gyrating her hips. "So I could do this."

"What?" Erin swallowed, hard.

"Honestly, Gilbert, could I be any more obvious here? I can only take this so far. At some point you're going to have to meet me halfway." Her voice was playful. She reached for the remote in her pocket and hit the volume button until the song was low in the background.

"I don't know what you're talk--"

Holtz took another step closer. She reached out and grabbed Erin's wrist and tugged her gently so she was facing her. There were mere inches separating them. "Eriinn," she drawled.

"Holtz," Erin squeaked.

"If you want me to stop..." Holtz trailed off, leaning in, pausing with less than an inch of space between their lips.

Then Erin surprised her by closing the distance between them. Holtz' hands moved to Erin's waist and she yanked her closer. Erin's fingers laced their way through Holtz' hair. There was electricity pulsing through both of them, and Holtzmann was at least 73% sure that it wasn't from the machine on the table beside them. Fuelling the fire, indeed.

Erin finally pulled away, out of breath. "Shoot. That wasn't supposed to happen. I've been working really hard to stop that from happening."

"You can't stop desire," Holtz replied, and winked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Stop Desire" lyrics by Sara Quin and Tegan Quin, and property of Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC. 
> 
> The first line is possibly incorrect. The Internet has some varying opinions on what the opening line is and I can't double check the digital booklet because it's on my computer and I'm travelling. 
> 
> Also, my gay ass is obsessed with this song. I couldn't resist this. Oops. Would Holtz actually listen to Tegan and Sara? Who knows. I like to think so. 
> 
> Comments are super appreciated! I'll be honest, I'm not entirely sure where this story is going. Like, vaguely speaking I know, but it's pretty half-baked in my mind. I'm hoping it'll continue to come together as I write it? Also (because apparently I have ALL the thoughts to share tonight), I'm sorry about the lacklustre kiss. i got less than an hour of sleep last night and my brain is too shot to properly describe it in the detail you deserve. Sorrrrry!


	5. Chapter 5

As they enter into week two post-fight, most of the anger dissolves and is replaced by something worse, somehow: heartbreak.

Abby has been friends with Erin for a long time. She’s had to deal with Erin’s broken heart before, but it’s never been this bad. She thought Toby Carter had been bad, back in their junior year. Erin had pined over him for months and months, then he asked her out. It turned out he was doing it on a dare and as a joke. Erin had cried for a week straight. Or, in their senior year, when she had dated the captain of the math club for a month and a half and then he broke up with her because she wasn’t “intellectually stimulating” enough for him. Erin had punched him in the face, and then cried for a few days (and quit math club).

This isn’t anything like those times. At least those times Erin was open about how much she was hurting. Now, she just sits at her desk and stares at the wall and doesn’t reply when anyone tries to talk to her. She looks on the verge of tears constantly, but she hasn’t cried at the firehouse yet. She hasn’t been eating more than a few bites at every meal. She looks like she hasn’t slept properly in a while.

She’s wearing suits again. She hasn’t worn a suit in months. She’s been comfortable. Happy.

That’s all gone now.

Abby’s never seen Holtzmann in a serious relationship, so she’s never seen her heartbroken. She wishes she could’ve gone her whole life without ever seeing it.

It’s like watching a kicked puppy. Everything about Holtz is wilted: her exuberance replaced by defeat and sadness. It’s there in the way she dresses, the way she carries herself, the way her smiles are empty and don’t reach her eyes. The lab is silent. No music, no explosions, no tools clanging. Abby and Patty take turns going upstairs to check on her. Every time, she’s been sitting at her desk and hunched over writing something. She’s been eating even less than Erin. She doesn’t come down for meals, so they have to bring little bits of food up to her and leave them on her desk.

Patty was the one who found out she was throwing them out the window when she stepped in an egg roll outside the building.

The few times Erin and Holtz have had to speak to each other, it’s in an overly polite way. Distant, like the way strangers interact. It’s always about something work-related. They’ve gotten a few ghost calls, and they’ve been ridiculously off their games, but at least they’ve been communicating during the busts.

Other than that, though, there’s radio silence. It makes Abby and Patty long for the previous week, where the firehouse was alive with noise. It may have been angry noise, but at least Erin and Holtzmann had been directing some sort of emotion at one another.

Now, there’s nothing.

Anger hints at a temporary situation. Anger means the possibility of forgiveness, and reconciliation.

There’s finality in the air this week. It doesn’t seem like either of them have much hope. They’ve already given up.

It’s heartbreaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back from my vacation and ready to write, hooray! More angst this chapter. Whoops.
> 
> I just had to spend 10 days with my family and they wouldn't let me talk about Ghostbusters because I'm quote "obsessed" and it "can't be that good" :( Come find me on Tumblr and talk with me about the movie because I am complete trash and I haven't been able to fangirl properly in too long. I'm at holtzmannerin over there. Shoot me an ask saying you came via this and I'll follow you so we can be trash together! :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummmm so it has been two and a half months since I last updated and I actually wasn't planning on finishing this fic, not going to lie. But then...I just felt motivation to start writing it again. And now that I've started writing it again, I need you guys to hound me to finish it so I don't stop again. Okay?

_Four months earlier_

“Holtz?”

“Mmm?” Holtz didn’t lift her lips from their assault on Erin’s neck. She slid her hands down Erin’s chest and began to undo the buttons of her shirt.

“Holtz. What are we doing?”

“Having sex,” Holtz murmured.

“No,” Erin said.

“No?” Holtz pulled away immediately.

“No, I mean what are we doing? With each other? What is this?”

Holtz sat back on her heels. “Uhhh…not sure I understand the question.”

“Are we dating?”

Holtz tilted her head. “Um. I thought we were?” Her voice is strained. “Unless you…don’t…think…that? Did you just wanna be friends slash coworkers who occasionally fuck? Because I don’t think…that I can do that…with you.”

Erin blushed. “I don’t want that. But we…we can’t date, Holtz. We can’t.”

“Why?”

“Why? It’s a bad idea! We work together! And we’re friends! What would happen if we broke up? We could lose everything. I don’t want to lose you, Holtz. I can’t. Your friendship means too much to me. _You_ mean too much to me.”

Holtz looked uncharacteristically serious. “So let’s never break up, then.”

Erin sighed. “That’s not a solution.”

“Yeah it is. Come on. We’ve already ruined our friendship. We’ve already made out with each other, like, a lot. I’ve seen you naked. We’ve slept together. There’s no turning back now…so we might as well call a spade a spade and do this. We can’t go back to being platonic friends even if we tried.”

“You’re probably right.”

“Of course I’m right.” Holtz swept a strand of hair away from Erin’s face. “So?”

“So, what?”

“So are you going to be my girlfriend or do I need to plead for a little longer?”

“You haven’t been pleading at all. You’ve just been making a pretty convincing and logical argument.”

“Damn, you’re right. Okay, let me plead, then. Erin, perfect, gorgeous, wonderful Erin, will you please agree to date me? Please? I’m begging you. I’ll be the best girlfriend ever. I’ll share my snacks with you, I’ll never stop telling you how beautiful you are, I’ll wash ectoplasm off the hard to reach areas for you, I’ll—”

“Stop, you sold me.”

“With the ectoplasm?”

“Yes. I’m holding you to that.”

“I’ll do anything for you. So, we’re dating, then?”

Erin hooked her hand around the back of Holtz’ neck and pulled her down. “Yeah, Holtz, we’re dating.”


	7. Chapter 7

Abby and Patty are at a loss.

They wait until Erin and Holtz go home one night (separately, to their respective apartments) and then split up and scour the lab for clues. They have no idea what the fight was about, and they’re hoping that if they find out, they’ll be able to come up with a plan.

They search the lab first. Right away, they come across a plain, leather-bound journal. They recognize it immediately as the book Holtz has been writing in every time one of them goes upstairs to check on her.

“Is it an invasion of privacy to open that?” Patty asks.

“That’s what we’re in here to do, isn’t it?” Abby replies. She picks the book up by its spine, and after making sure it isn’t going to explode, she pries it open.

Patty comes and stands behind her and reads over her shoulder.

The first few pages are filled with random scratches and doodles, half-finished blueprints. There’s a drawing of something called a Proton Torpedo, which neither of them want to think about.

Then Abby flips a page and they both freeze.

Taking up the entire page, edge to edge, are the words:

_Erin I’m sorry Erin I love you Erin I’m sorry Erin I love you Erin I’m sorry Erin I love you_

Over and over and over and over again. All they can do is stare. After a minute, Abby flips the page. The next page is covered with the same thing. She flips the page again.

It goes on for ten pages.

“Holy shit,” Patty whispers.

“What are you doing?”

They whip around. Holtz is standing at the top of the stairs with her arms crossed.

Abby slams the journal shut. “We were just…”

Holtz strides over and snatches the book from her. “Looking through my things?”

“Baby…” Patty says gently, like Holtz is a woodland creature who’s easily startled. She touches her arm. “Please let us help you.”

Holtz pulls her arm away from the touch. “There’s nothing you can do, Patty.” Her voice breaks.

Abby reaches out before Holtz can dart away and pulls her into a tight hug. She feels Holtz crumple into her and start shaking. Abby rubs her back. “We’re going to fix this, okay? We’re going to fix this.”

“It’s gonna be okay, Holtzy,” Patty says. “Erin’s just as broken up about this as you are. If y’all just talk about—”

“No.” Holtz pulls away abruptly and swiped furiously at her eyes. “No. We’re not talking about it.”

“You have to, Holtz,” Abby says.

“I’ve gotta go. I only came back to get this.” She waves the book and sniffles. “I’m leaving now. Please stop going through my personal shit. I know you’re just trying to help but…please don’t. I don’t want you guys to help any more.”

She backs away and runs down the stairs. They listen to the firehouse door slam.

“So we’re still going to come up with a plan, right?” Patty says.

“Oh, definitely.”


	8. Chapter 8

_One month earlier_

“—and the funny thing was, I wasn’t even _trying_ to say that at all, because I…Holtz, are you even listening to me?”

Holtz had her chin propped in her hands and was staring dreamily at Erin across the table. “Not really. I’m too distracted by how beautiful you are.”

Erin blushed. “You should listen to me, though.”

“I know. And I’m kidding. I _was_ listening to you—I can multitask.”

Erin smiled and broke off a piece of salmon with her fork. “Good.”

“It’s really hard to pay attention when I’m staring at the most beautiful woman in the world, though. I should be given a medal.”

Erin chewed and swallowed. She rolled her eyes. “Don’t hyperbolize.”

Holtz reached across the table and grabbed Erin’s free hand. “I’m not.”

Erin laid her fork on the edge of her plate. “Why do you get super sappy every time we’re out on a date?”

“Because I’m in love with you.”

The world stopped for a moment. Erin felt her stomach drop out on her. “What?”

“I’m in love with you,” Holtz repeated.

Erin was speechless. The words had been dancing in her own head for weeks too, but she pushed them down far enough that she wouldn’t have to think about the ramifications. She was pretty sure that she loved Holtz and Holtz loved her too, but they hadn’t said it. Erin was too scared of what that would mean, and she was thought that maybe Holtz could sense that, and that’s why she hadn’t said it either.

Until now.

Erin could think of several responses. Her instinct was to brush it off or make a self-deprecating joke, but instead, all that came out was a long exhale and then:

“I love you too.”

She’d expected the words to fall like a sentence when she finally said them, but instead it felt like she’d been set free.

Holtz’ smile could’ve lit up the entire city, and Erin confirmed her suspicion that Holtz was hyperbolizing—there was no way that Erin was the most beautiful woman in the world.

She knew because she was staring at the most beautiful woman in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come send me messages on [Tumblr](http://holtzmannerin.tumblr.com) telling me to finish the last three chapters of this.


	9. Chapter 9

A few days later, they get called on a bust. It’s at an office that Patty’s cousin manages. On the drive over, she tells them that the building’s already been evacuated and the workers sent home.

They gear up and head inside. They tiptoe around with their proton wands drawn and at the ready. It’s silent except for the humming of the florescent lights above them and the whir of their packs. There’s something eerie about the empty cubicles. Something seems wrong, somehow. Erin can’t quite put her finger on what it is.

All of a sudden Abby shouts, “IT’S IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM!”

They all take off running. Erin jogs into the conference room first and she hears someone else behind her. She stops. There doesn’t appear to be a ghost.

The door to the room slams shut, and she spins around to see that Holtz is the only other one in the room.

There’s the distinct click of a lock turning.

“What the fuck?” Holtz mutters.

Patty steps into view on the other side of the glass wall. She holds up a ring of keys and jangles them with a smirk on her face. Abby also appears and crosses her arms. Both of their proton wands are stowed and off.

“What the hell are you doing?” Erin asks. “Let us out! There’s a ghost on the loose!”

Holtz groans. “There’s no ghost, is there.”

“What?” Erin looks back and forth between Holtz and their remaining teammates on the other side of the glass.

“She’s right. There’s no ghost. This was all a ruse to lock you guys in a room and force you to work though your shit,” Abby says. Her voice is slightly muffled.

“I called in a favour with my cousin,” Patty says. “His employees were all more than happy to take a day off for the cause.”

Erin nearly smacks herself for not realizing it sooner. That’s what seemed wrong—everything in the cubicles was neatly stored away. It didn’t look like work had been madly abandoned for an evacuation.

“We’re not letting you out until you’ve fixed this,” Abby says. “We’ll be over there, ready to unlock the door when you’re back together. Oh, and Holtz? Don’t bother picking the lock. Patty’s putting a chair under the knob as I speak.”

Holtz swears.

“Have fun!” Patty says brightly.

Then the two of them turn and walk away.

“Are you serious? Come back!” Erin strides over and starts banging her fist on the glass. “Abby! Get back here! Patty, stop this right now!”

“I don’t think they’re listening,” Holtz says dryly.

Erin lets out a strangled noise and returns her gun to her pack, then powers everything down and takes it off, setting it on the floor. Holtz does the same.

Erin stalks over to a chair in the corner and sits down with a huff.

Holtz turns a chair around in the opposite corner and straddles it backwards, resting her chin on the back of it. She closes her eyes and her mouth starts moving, like it does when she’s deep in thought.

Erin watches her for a minute. “What are you doing?” she asks finally.

Holtz pauses and opens one eye. “Thinking of ways we could get out of this room. So far there are three possible exits. The vents, the window, or the wall. Two of those require breaking the glass, which isn’t ideal in terms of property damage, but the other option means we’d have to crawl through the ceiling. Now, I don’t know about you, but it’s always been a dream of mine to escape a room by crawling through the ceiling vents, so I’m thinking—”

“Holtz.”

“What?”

“No.”

“Fiiiine. The wall, then? We can split the cost to replace the glass.”

“There’s an easier solution,” Erin says quietly.

“No, I’m pretty sure there’s not. I’ve run through every escape option and catalogued the materials we have between the two of us, and I’m confident that—”

“We could do what they want,” Erin says, even quieter than before.

Holtz stares at her. “What?”

“We could talk.”

“We are talking.”

“We could talk about…us.”

Holtz deflates. “I don’t want to.”

“Me neither, but we…have to eventually.”

“No we don’t.”

“No, avoiding this isn’t…it isn’t working. We need to talk. About the fight.” Erin winces.

“Erin, no.”

Outside and across the office, Abby spins lazily in a rolling chair. Patty hits her arm. “Hey, look, they’re talking.”

Abby stops spinning and looks. Sure enough, Patty’s right. “They’re not yelling. I can’t tell if that’s a good sign or a bad sign.”

“Give it time,” Patty murmurs.

Inside the conference room, Erin inhales sharply. “So you just want to pretend the fight never happened? Never think about it? Is that what you want? You can’t _do that,_ Holtz.”

“That’s exactly what I want. I don’t want to think about the fight. Ever. I don’t want to think about those things you said to me, and I _don’t_ want to think about what I said to you.” Holtz’ voice cracks on the last word.

“Fine,” Erin replies, and her own voice shakes.

She doesn’t want to think about it either, but the memories are right there—shouts echoing off walls in her brain, ever-present since the fight—and they won’t leave her alone no matter what she does.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare yourself. The fight is coming. And then happiness finally! Hooray! 
> 
> Also, this was originally supposed to be them getting trapped in an elevator together but I started rewatching The Office last night and that changed to this.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry this took me a little while (although nowhere near as long as two months, soooo). I was on vacation and then I haven't been in the mood to write this (all I wanted was to write something happy, so [I did](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8592184)). So...maybe offset the angst of this chapter by reading that if you haven't already? Also life is insane right now and I shouldn't be writing any fic today but in the midst of doing a million things for school, I felt inspired to write this and I pounced on that! But yeah. Good luck with this one: it's a doozy.

_Two weeks earlier_

What had started out as a routine bust at a massive abandoned warehouse had, very rapidly, escalated into something that none of them knew how to handle.

One ghost had multiplied into two, and then three, and then five, then twenty, then thirty. All super ionized.

All intent on killing them.

The four of them worked in tandem, shooting at anything that moved. Erin’s forehead was glistening with sweat. She could hear Holtz cackling as she took down two at the same time.

And then everything slowed down, and Erin could see in slow-motion horror what was about to happen.

A gigantic skeletal winged creature, which had been circling up in the rafters during the entire fight, descended on Holtz with a screech, and Holtz’ back was turned.

Before Erin could cry out or fire her gun, the beast sunk its spectral talons into Holtz’ shoulders and carried her up, up.

“HOLTZ!” Erin screamed.

The engineer’s legs kicked wildly as she struggled in the ghost’s grasp.

Abby ran over. “She’s too far up. If we shoot and she falls from that height…”

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Erin said firmly. A ghost charged at her, and she took it out with a blast of her gun, not taking her eyes off Holtz.

“DON’T WORRY GUYS, I GOT THIS,” Holtz shouted.

“What does she mean, she got this?” Patty called. “What is she—”

A deafening boom rang out, and then the sound of breaking glass as the windows of the warehouse shattered. The walls and floor quaked with the impact and Erin fell to the ground. The room filled with purple and red smoke.

Everything fell silent.

Erin coughed up a lungful of smoke and tried to clear her stinging eyes. Beside her, Abby rolled over, also coughing.

“What in the sweet hell?” Patty said.

Erin’s heart thudded in her chest. “Holtz?” she called. No response. She called again, louder.

The smoke cleared just enough for her to make out a heap of khaki across the room.

Erin staggered to her feet and ran.

She reached Holtzmann and dropped to her side. She was lying on her back with her limbs splayed and her eyes were closed. There was a cut on her cheek that was bleeding. Erin stopped breathing. She frantically shook her girlfriend’s shoulder and cried out her name over and over again.

Holtz’ eyes fluttered open and she let out a feeble cough.

Erin collapsed onto her with relief. “Thank God. Oh, thank God.”

Holtz coughed again. “Can’t get rid of me that easily,” she croaked.

Erin pulled back from her. She heard Abby and Patty arrive behind her.

“What the hell _was_ that?” Abby said.

Holtz struggled into an upright position. “Upgraded proton grenade. I thought if I boosted the power so it was more like an extra-large poof, we’d be able to take out a large group of ghosts at once in a situation like this.” She looked around the warehouse. “And look, it worked!”

Erin hadn’t even noticed that all the ghosts they were fighting had been disintegrated.

“And you thought,” Erin said, in a measured voice as she tried to control the anger that was already mounting, “that the best time to test it out was while you were being dangled 30 feet above the ground?”

“Hey, it worked, didn’t it?”

“You could’ve _died_.”

“I know. That was so _awesome_.”

“You’re crazy,” Patty said, shaking her head.

Abby sighed. “Guys, let’s get out of here and get Holtz to a hospital to get checked out. And don’t you dare argue with me.”

Holtz stuck out her tongue and blew a raspberry. They hoisted her to her feet. Patty took off Holtz’ proton pack and carried it, and Erin and Abby helped her walk.

“I’m fine, guys. Hey, I blew out the windows, do you see that? That’s so cool. I’ve always wanted to do that, right Abs?”

“Not the time, Holtz.”

The doctors were amazed that she hadn’t been more injured when they heard what happened. They agreed that she could’ve ended up paralyzed or dead had she fallen at a different angle. As it stood, all she had were some minor cuts from the broken glass, and severe bruising up and down her back. She was released to go home, with the instructions to come back immediately if anything changed.

Holtz settled into the couch in Erin’s apartment while Erin paced back and forth in front of her.

“You’re going to burn a hole in the carpet at that rate,” Holtz said.

Erin froze and her eyes snapped up. Holtz was smiling goofily.

“How can you just sit there and smile and crack jokes when you almost died earlier, Holtz?”

“Because I _didn’t_ die. Should I be upset about that?”

“You don’t seem to be grasping the severity of the situation.”

“Ehhhhh. It’s fine, Er. I’m barely hurt. Why don’t you come sit down and kiss it better?”

“No, Holtzmann.”

“Ouch. Full last name. Are you mad at me?”

“Yes, I’m mad,” Erin snapped. “How could you be so stupid? Why do you never think through your actions? You’re so impulsive and reckless and one of these days you’re _actually_ going to kill yourself just because you have the executive functioning of a teenage boy! Do you even _have_ a prefrontal cortex, Holtzmann? Do you think through _anything_ before you do it?”

“Hmmmm…let me think through my answer before I say it.” Holtz smirked.

The sight of it sent Erin over the edge. “Could you be serious for _one fucking minute?_ Are you _capable_ of that, Holtzmann? Can you stop acting like a literal child for once in your life?”

Holtz removed her glasses and calmly folded them up while Erin stood there, her hands balled into fists at her sides, chest heaving. Holtz moved so she was sitting upright and stared, steely-eyed and unblinking, at Erin.

“I may act like a child,” she said in a low and even voice, “but that doesn’t give you the right to act like my mother.”

“I’m allowed to be upset when you risk your life doing something irresponsible and stupid! And if you cared about me at all, you’d understand that!”

“I can’t tiptoe around just because you’re an anxious and neurotic mess, Erin.”

Holtz’ words hit like a blow to the head and Erin stumbled a few steps back from the force of them and the venom in Holtz’ voice.

Erin took a deep breath. “Wow. Nice to know you don’t take this relationship seriously, because if you actually loved me you wouldn’t have said that.”

Holtz raised an eyebrow. “I don’t take this relationship seriously? _Me?”_

“That’s what I said.”

“ _I’m_ the one who doesn’t take this relationship seriously. Oh, that’s rich. You’re screwing with me, right? That’s a joke?”

Erin jutted her chin out and continued to glare.

“Erin, from the very beginning of this relationship you haven’t taken it seriously. You’ve only been half-invested in this since the beginning. Admit it. You’ve had one hand on the door this entire time, ready to bolt at the first minor inconvenience. Hell, we were dating for a _month_ and you were still trying to tell me that it was a bad idea, all because you convinced yourself that we were never going to work out and this was going to go up in flames!”

“And look,” Erin shouted, “I was right! I tried to stop this from happening!”

Holtz crossed her arms. “And what is ‘this,’ Erin? Is this that horrible end you were so worried about?”

Erin didn’t say anything.

There was a pause, and then Holtz stood up from the couch.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“To my apartment.”

“What?” Erin spluttered. “I’m supposed to keep an eye on your injuries.”

“I can take care of myself,” Holtz snapped. She grabbed her coat and shoved her boots on without tying them. She pulled the door open, then stopped and looked back. “Congratulations for predicting this. Guess I should’ve listened to you, huh? Hope being right feels good.”

With that, she stepped out and slammed the door behind her. The walls shook with the impact, reminding Erin of that awful moment in the warehouse, and then like before—silence.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

Erin squeezes her eyes shut, trying to stop the memories from coming.

She can’t.

“Are you…crying?” Holtz says.

“No,” Erin replies quickly, and swipes angrily at the moisture forming in the corners of her eyes.

Holtz sucks in a loud breath. “Erin…”

“I thought you didn’t want to talk,” Erin says roughly.

There’s a pause.

“I changed my mind.”

Holtz stands from her chair and walks over to take the one beside Erin instead. Erin stares straight ahead, not allowing herself to look at the woman beside her for fear of breaking down completely.

“Erin…” Holtz’ voice cracks. “I’m sorry.”

At once, Erin twists in her seat to look at Holtz. “ _You’re_ sorry? Why are _you_ apologizing when I was the one who—” she breaks off and pulls her knees up and into her chest. She wraps her arms around them, willing herself to hold it together.

“I said things to you. Bad things.” Holtzmann’s voice is shaking.

Erin’s arms tighten and she shrinks that much more. “I deserved everything you said to me.”

“No. You didn’t.” Holtz reaches out and lays a tentative hand on Erin’s arm.

It’s the first time they’ve touched since the hug that Abby and Patty forced.

Erin blinks away another round of tears. “Everything you said was true. I’m an—” she swallows thickly— “anxious and neurotic mess, and you deserve better than me. All I do is worry. I worried and worried and worried and look where that got me. All I accomplished was the very thing that I was terrified of: losing you.”

Without saying anything, Holtz gently tugs at Erin’s arm until it loosens from its death grip around her knees. She threads her calloused fingers through Erin’s smooth ones on the now-free hand.

“I’m sorry, Holtz,” Erin manages to choke out, and then she dissolves into the sobs that she’s worked so hard to avoid since the fight. They shake her entire body, and her breath comes gasping out of her, and her nose is dripping snot that mixes with the tears and pools in the corners of her mouth. She doesn’t think she’s ever cried like this in her life.

Holtz just holds her hand in silence.

Outside, Abby and Patty are watching the scene unfold.

“Shit,” Patty says quietly, “that’s gotta be good, right?”

“I feel like I’m encroaching on something personal by watching this. Maybe we should…leave.”

Neither of them move.

Erin cries for God knows how long, cries out the anger and the pain and the sadness and the regret that’s been following her for two weeks, and eventually gets control of herself. She releases her other arm and uses the sleeve of her jumpsuit to wipe her eyes. She takes a deep breath to collect herself, and then hazards a quick glance at Holtz.

Her face is shiny, eyes red and puffy, and the sight of it breaks Erin’s heart all over again.

She’s never seen Holtz cry.

Instinctively, she throws her arms around Holtz, then freezes a second later as her action catches up with her. Holtz is frozen for a second too, but then she sinks against Erin as much as she can from her position. Her arms wrap around Erin’s midsection and she presses her face into Erin’s chest.

Erin clutches Holtz tightly and breaths in the familiar scent of her grapefruit shampoo and thinks she might start crying again.

“You haven’t lost me,” Holtz mumbles against her chest.

She’s definitely going to start crying again.

“There was one thing you said,” Erin murmurs into Holtz’ hair, “that wasn’t true.”

“You’re not an anxious and neurotic mess,” Holtz says quickly. “I was upset and angry and I said that to hurt you and I’m so fucking sorry for that. It’s not true.”

“No, that’s…that’s pretty true.”

Holtz pulls away suddenly, and even though her eyes are still filled with tears, intensity burns bright in them. “Erin. You were…completely right to feel the way you did. I did something really stupid, and put everyone’s lives in danger, especially my own. And I’m not used…to people caring. About me. About the stupid choices I make. And to imply that you were wrong for being upset…” Holtz inhales sharply.

“You’re not stupid, though. Or a child. I shouldn’t have said any of that to you. You know what you’re doing, and you were right, you didn’t die, and—”

“I may have a genius IQ, but that doesn’t mean I’m not an idiot.”

Erin holds her gaze for a few moments. “I guess that holds true for both of us, huh?”

Holtz exhales. “Yeah, I guess it does.” She pauses. “Nothing I said was true…but what was the one in particular you were talking about?”

Erin looks at the floor. “You said…you said I was only half-invested in our relationship. And I know…I know it seems that way. I’m not going to argue anything else you said, about me having one hand on the door, ready to run…because that’s all true. But, um.” She blinks several times in rapid succession, trying to clear the last bit of blurry vision that’s hungover from her meltdown. “I’ve never…I’ve never been as invested in any relationship, even platonic, as I am in this one. With you. Even before we started dating. I was in too deep even then. That’s why…that’s why I was so terrified. That’s why I pushed back and tried to stop our relationship from evolving. You already meant so much to me that the thought of wrecking what we had was just…too much to handle. But…” She gestures and laughs half-heartedly. “Self-fulfilling prophecy, I guess.”

She bites her lip. “Losing you has hurt so much more than I thought it would, and that’s…saying something. It wasn’t even the loss of our romantic relationship that’s been so painful in the past two weeks, just losing _you_. If you don’t think we can work past this and fix our relationship, I’ll be okay with that, as long as I don’t lose you altogether, because I love you too much for this to be the end, Holtz.”

Erin finally lifts her gaze to Holtzmann’s face, and the other woman’s eyes are still shiny but her lips are curved into a half-smile.

“Are you finished?” Holtz asks.

Erin nods slowly.

“Good.”

Erin has just enough time to process the grin before Holtz’ hands are on her jaw and their lips are connected. Every inch of tension in her body immediately dissipates as she sighs with relief against Holtz’ lips. There’s the sound of a chair scraping back and Holtz climbs to straddle Erin’s lap without breaking the kiss. Erin leans in, pressing herself closer and closer to Holtz, touching her cheek, her hair, her back, reacquainting herself with how it feels to kiss her girlfriend, to be close to her.

Loud cheering and hollering startles them apart. Through the window, Abby and Patty are dancing around and punching the air.

“Have they been watching the whole time?” Erin says quietly.

Without saying anything, Holtz reaches out and grabs ahold of the cord to the blinds. They clatter down, blocking Patty and Abby from view. She turns back to Erin with a grin. “There.”

“That should buy us a minute or two while they dismantle their barricade.”

Holtz chuckles and her manic grin fades into something gentler. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you more. I love you. Let’s never let that happen again, okay?”

“Deal. Oh, and I love you too. So much.”

Erin just reconnects their lips and wraps her arms tight around her girlfriend, knowing full well that she’s never going to let go again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. I finished! I finished the fic that I abandoned and was very much Not Going To Finish! I did it! Mostly thanks to my pal Jillian who shamed me for so long that I finally started writing this again.
> 
> I don't care what you guys say, I'm never writing angst again. Writing this was like running a marathon and writing humour/fluff is like...something easy and fun that I can't think of because I'm so tired right now and all I want is to get this posted. It comes wayyy easier to me. I think I'm going to stick more to stuff in my wheelhouse from now on, because that way we won't have a another situation like this where I very nearly don't finish a fic just because I don't want to write it anymore. Anyway, hope this final chapter was worth the months of wait! Love you guys.


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